Our Guide to Closing the Orgasm Gap
Here’s 10 constructive tips for you to level the playing field when it comes to coming.
1. Make a commitment
Within a relationship, mutually committing to closing the orgasm gap will make both you and your partner actively strive for mutual pleasure. While you both may not orgasm every single time, there shouldn’t be a habitual imbalance!
For single people with vulvas, demanding your pleasure can increase your orgasm frequency. It may prove a little scary asking for an orgasm at first, but with time and practice this will become natural, and people will respect that you prioritise your own pleasure.
2. Don’t just fake it, communicate it
A whopping 76% of women have faked an orgasm! Most of us have probably been tempted to fake it from time to time when the pressure to perform gets too much. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings, but it can set a dangerous precedent. It can become a habitual cycle that only gets harder to break the more it is practiced.
Be honest and true, and not just to them but to yourself! Explain how and where and when you like to be touched and kissed and caressed. Give positive reinforcement such as “I love it when you...xxx” encourages a feedback loop, they will enjoy you praising them, you will enjoy the improved sensations, meaning you will enjoy giving praise and the positive pleasurable cycle is set in motion.
3. Expand your sexual horizons
The world of sexual fantasy and kink is vast, and yet many people go through life not discussing their “taboo” desires with their partner. Create an open space where you can discuss ideas, wishes and turn-ons. Ask open questions. Listen. Without judgement.
There’s a saying in the kink community: “your kink is not my kink but that’s ok” broadly meaning ‘I wouldn’t do this, but I support your right to enjoy it!’. It may be that your partner’s fantasy is outside your comfort zone. If this is the case, acknowledge it, and say something like: “I understand why you find X sexy, but it’s not my cup of tea. Why don’t we try X instead?”
4. Educate yourself
Once you and your partners are aware that the gap exists, there comes a burning desire to try to close it from all parties. That drive alone can help level the playing field. We are fed so many lies about sex and we desperately need to start busting those myths!
For example, it is thought that it takes women take much longer to orgasm as a biological truth, leaving some people to just give up. However, it is known that in solo pleasure, they can orgasm in the same time (as quickly as a minute). So, why is there such a gap in partnered play?
The “blue balls” myth is harmful as it reinforces a biologically determined imbalance. Suggesting that men have more of a biological need for pleasure.
Mainstream porn plays a massive role in perpetuating myths that contribute to the orgasm gap such as orgasms from just penetrative sex. According to research, up to 75% of women cannot climax from penetration alone!
So school yourself and those wanting to please you to close the gap!
5. Reduce pressure and stress
Goal-oriented sex only adds pressure and stress, which are massive orgasm killers.
The stress hormone cortisol, when high, puts the body in fight or flight mode. This makes it extremely difficult to reach orgasm.
Take your time. Rushing the process is going to lead to a less satisfying orgasm or, more likely, no orgasm at all.
Pressure can be relieved in prioritising sensation and pleasure over results. Using mindful-sensory strategies can help to heighten the five senses and letting go of stress.
6. Practice alone
Not only is it a good idea to make sure you feel out exactly what you like, but it can be incredibly liberating to watch yourself in front of a mirror. Building confidence in what you look like will help you be able to show a partner what you like.
7. Build sensations slowly
Studies have found women's chance of orgasm is increased when deep kissing is prioritised. There are millions of nerve endings in the mouth, so don’t underestimate a good kiss. This can also build sensation slowly, starting with just light lips, then more tongue.
The rest of the body is desperate for deep kissing too. Kissing, sucking and licking all over the different erogenous zones is a great way to slowly build sensation. Especially kissing sensitive spots on the neck, the breasts and inner thighs.
Then making your way to kissing the clitoris, gently at first will gradually increase blood flow and therefore chance of climax.
8. Spend more time on non-penetrative sex
There’s no way around it - society conflates the word “sex” with “penis in vagina penetration”. However, a 2013 study showed that when couples in relationships included cunnilingus or self-clitoral stimulation into sex, the orgasm gap almost disappeared entirely.
Treat what is usually defined as “foreplay” as your coreplay - and only move to penetration once she/they have had at least one orgasm!
Elizabeth Armstrong and her colleagues found that women’s orgasm rates are strongly related to her evolving relationship with her partner, the activities they include, and his investment in her pleasure.
9. Invest in your accessories
Investing in toys will significantly increase the chances of more equal and partnered orgasms, and, well, more pleasure for everyone! Use a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris and other erogenous zones, starting with slow and soft vibration before increasing pressure and intensity.
Why not try some new positions? Check out our playbook!
Also, make sure you have some lube to hand - this will aid both vaginal and anal penetration, making it more comfortable for both of you.
10. Make a game out of closing the orgasm gap
Within the fetish and kink community, sex is nicknamed “adult play”. So make it playful, because it should be fun!
Here’s some ideas.
When they do something that feels good, give them a treat. Maybe feed them a strawberry or a chocolate. Or have a leaderboard and the person who gives the orgasm wins! This adds an extra fun initiative.
Race to climax! Try masturbating in front of each other. Get turned on by watching them and them watching you. At the same time you both learn how you like to be touched, making the orgasm gap a lot easier to squash.